Experts give up on anti-science America

Count on the best satirical source for news, The Onion, to exemplify the truth behind our culture more than any of the “real” news organizations. Case-in-point: Nation’s Experts Give Up, an amusing lament by scientists and experts on how Americans have ignored their advice for years.

“Since you don’t seem to care about things you don’t understand, screw you. We quit” [said Dr. Simon Peavy, vice-president of the National Association of Experts].

“My final piece of expert advice,” Peavy added, “is that all of you people should just go fuck yourselves.”

According to Peavy, despite the vast amounts of scientifically proven and historically sound advice provided by the nation’s experts, the National Association of Experts could cite no instances of advice being followed in the manner they had intended.

According to FDA spokesperson Jonathan Landau, the exiting advisors will be missed, but the nation must move forward. “We, of course, are deeply saddened to lose America’s most knowledgeable individuals in every field,” Landau said. “But at the same time, it’s important to recognize that their advice, however well-informed or well-intentioned, was almost always impractical.”

Landau said he plans to fill his own vacant advisory positions with “positive-minded, people-friendly sexperts, advice columnists and astrologers” as soon as funding can be arranged.