Mar 1, 2011

The Greatest Joke Ever Told (Except It’s True)

So here’s the joke…

A family walks into a talent agency. It’s a father, mother, son, daughter and dog. The father says to the talent agent, “We have a really amazing act. You should represent us.”
The agent says, “Sorry, I don’t represent family acts. They’re a little too cute.”
The mother says, “Sir, if you just see our act, we know you would want to represent us.”
The agent says, “OK. OK. I’ll take a look.”
“First, I come out, and say there’s no God. I expose every theistic claim of a higher power as logical fallacy, fraud, self-delusion, mass delusion, hallucination created by the main, or a combination of the five.
Just as I finish destroying theistic claims, I delve into creationism, showing how it is a load of shit, exposing the fallacies and logical errors committed by creationists, and demonstrating how evolution is true. I reveal the overwhelming load of evidence in favor of evidence, especially the 20-30 claims I can come up with off the top of my head that puts creationism to shame.
I discuss vestigial organs in all species, including humans; upper-limb claws in bird embryos; useless muscles in a portion of humans; limb buds in snake and slow worm embryos that are reabsorbed before hatching; leg buds in dolphin embryos; fused chromosomes in human DNA, explaining why and how we have one less than other primates; vestigial sexual behavior in asexual whiptail lizards; the extant transitional monotreme species, the platypus, which is equipped with both a reptilian eggtooth and an avian caruncle; flightless beetles with perfectly formed wings hidden beneath fused wing-covers; the appendix being far more harmful than beneficial; wisdom teeth, required for ancestors, but not for us; the plantaris muscle, useful for tree-dwelling primates, but useless for humans; signs of an extended tail in the human embryo; redundant and non-coding (“junk”) DNA; remnants of ear-wiggling muscles in humans that serve a purpose in other mammals, but are useless for us; the needlessly long laryngeal nerve that loops around the aorta (15 feet long in giraffes, 14 feet longer than necessary); non-functional yet existent olfactory genes in dolphins; goose-bumps/pimples; nipples in male mammals like humans, and even the existence of mammary tissue, as well as the ability for men (with exposure to prolactin) to produce milk; the blind spot in the retina of vertebrate eyes, which is not present in cephalopods; and the exposed “funny bone” humerus nerve.
Just to name a few.
Once I finish destroying creationism, I move on to the deistic notion that a creator kick-started the universe and sat back and just watched. I show how
God isn’t even necessary for the creation of the universe, and now that astrophysicists know more about the origins of the universe, everything can be explained naturally without the need for a deity to snap anything into into existence. I’ll go into how the laws of physics actually require that the universe come from the infinitesimally small mass of matter. I’ll even explain that it’s OK for science to not know everything, and how it’s arrogant to claim otherwise.
By now, I’m on such a roll that I hack into the argument from morality with the bloody hatchet of truth and knowledge. I show how morality comes from our evolution as a social species, as well as trial-and-error as a society, discovering what works for us and what doesn’t, and that slavery was OK until 150 years ago and was defended using Biblical passages, and social evolution basically saw us realize that slavery was morally wrong. Nobody in the U.S. believes that slavery is morally right, and we don’t have religion or theism to thank for it.
Once I’m done ripping the argument from morality to shreds, I address the issue of spirituality and the claims of an afterlife, showing how there has never been any solid evidence given in favor of an afterlife, and how this is the only life we have, so we shouldn’t squander it with religious nonsense and unfalsifiable, useless claims.
While I’m at it, I take homeopathy, self-proclaimed psychics, and other woo nonsense, tie them up on a raft, and toss them over the edge of a cliff, where they bounce along the rocks, spewing blood everywhere, until they splash into a ravine, eventually falling over the edge of a waterfall, onto some sharp rocks below. To top it off, my dog comes along and pisses on their mangled remains.
I then take my wife and kids, live a healthy life with them, and teach our kids morality without religion, a worldview without theism, and how important everyday of our lives truly are. And God isn’t a part of it, at all.”
For the longest time, the agent just sits in silence. Finally, he manages, “That’s a hell of an act. What do you call it?”
And the father says, “The Atheistocrats!

I came across this on
If you've never heard an "aristocrats" joke, you've been missing out.  I recommend the South Park version.  WARNING, it's not for the timid.  In fact, I don't want to meet the person who doesn't find it offensive.  Definitely NSFW.

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